Is there anything you would not want me to know? See, Doc? Ain't no problem," he stated. The doctor informed him that many activities besides sex, such as bike riding and horseback riding, can cause the hymen not to be intact. Virginity testing is the physical assessment of pelvic anatomy to assess whether the patient has had penetrative intercourse. The hymen, a thin piece of tissue near the opening of the vagina, is inspected. The theory was was, not is—see item two that if the tissue was "broken" or nonintact, the person had had intercourse. But virginity testing is a violation of human rights.
In , the World Health Organization released a statement in which they decry the practice of virginity testing. They state that it is "detrimental to women's and girls' physical, psychological and social well-being… The examination can be painful, humiliating and traumatic. Pelvic exams are difficult enough as it is. The assessment of one's hymen, especially if done under emotional duress, can be indescribably traumatic physically and emotionally.
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The presence or lack of a hymen does not indicate whether or not someone has had sex. Not only can many activities cause a hymen to be non-intact, intercourse does not always result in a non-intact hymen. In addition to causing trauma, this examination is useless. When trying to determine if something is misogynistic, we can apply a little test: What would happen if we tried this with men?
What about male virginity testing? The WHO states, "'Virginity testing' reinforces stereotyped notions of female sexuality and gender inequality. Also, sex is so much more than penetration, and the only person who can state whether or not they consider themselves to be a virgin is that person. What if a woman has sex with a woman? Penile penetration doesn't happen, but the people involved may or may not consider themselves virgins. It's inaccurate, outdated and discriminatory. Oh, and also? It is none of our business. Assessing someone's virginity has nothing to do with the patient, and everything to do with the person wanting the information.
It is not our children's responsibility to carry the burden of our lack of comfort around human sexuality. Dear doctor, remember that whole "do no harm" oath you agreed to? Consider yourself in violation. Virginity testing is a traumatic and useless procedure, and conducting it harms the patient. The WHO states, "Given that these procedures are unnecessary and potentially harmful, it is unethical for doctors or other health providers to undertake them.
Such procedures must never be carried out. The Joint Commission is the leading hospital accreditation organization in the United States, charged with ensuring patients receive safe, evidence-based, quality care.
Here's what they have to say about the appropriate way to obtain informed consent :. A patient must be apprised of the nature, risks, and alternatives of a medical procedure or treatment before the physician or other health care professional begins any such course. After receiving this information, the patient then either consents to or refuses such a procedure or treatment. Translation: The doctor would have had to say, "Here is how this exam will go; here are the risks; here are the other options you have.
I was not in the room, so maybe this happened. I can tell you that in my professional opinion, the fact that her father was allegedly sitting next to her telling her to sign it, makes the consent seem invalid. The teenage years are arguably the most trying phase of life to get through. Teenagers are bombarded by massive changes in their bodies, minds and hormones, social pressures and relentless media messaging. They need an adult they can turn to to help them sort it all out, even when—especially when—it's messy, scary and confusing. What happens if she is presented with a scenario that she needs guidance with?
Will she feel comfortable asking her dad for advice after this?
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Look, the idea of my kids having sex one day certainly throws me. This morning my kindergartner was asking me what country is closest to the North Pole and whether Santa makes or buys batteries for all the toys. There is a big part of me that wants to preserve this childlike innocence forever.
I can instill fear and distrust, or I can show them that I am there for them—even when it makes me uncomfortable.
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Let's agree to do a better job showing our children that we are with them as they navigate the perils of growing up. The holiday season is upon us, but let's just say that this doesn't exactly conjure up feelings of holiday cheer and excitement for everyone.
To many people the holidays are an incredibly stressful period of time for a variety of reasons.
Within a very short time period there is a lot to juggle, and let's face it: As mamas, we often feel like that exponentially expanding to-do list falls squarely on us. There is the planning of parties, buying gifts, the endless to-do list, making decisions about social plans, shopping for outfits to wear to said social plans, wrapping up the work year and coordinating winter vacation plans—just to name a few.
The mental load of pulling off a successful holiday season is no easy feat and it's common for anxiety levels to run high. If our mental loads get too heavy and we feel like we are carrying them alone, we may start to resent our partners or support system and take the stress out on them. Ideally, we should share the load with our partners or village, making for a less anxious and more joyous holiday season.
We're all guilty of wanting to unload on someone else when our stress levels are high. If it's not a good time, your partner or family member may not be receptive and you will be left feeling disappointed. Rather than set yourself up for that, have a planned team huddle at a scheduled and agreed time when you are both available, willing and most receptive. It could be in the evening after the kids are asleep, an early morning chat before the day starts, a phone conversation or during a night out. Put it on your calendars and plan to give your undivided attention.
Throughout the holiday season, I encourage several of these plus check-in points and updates.
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Before you can share your mental load you have to identify what is on your or your partner's mind. Begin by making a list of all the things you need to do with the timeframe making it as detailed as possible , and all the things you feel worried about with the holiday season.
Mental load isn't just the tangible concrete tasks, but the added weight of how we feel about these tasks and the things that concern us. When communicating, make sure your tone is supportive, encouraging and fun. This isn't a time to criticize and argue. Remind yourself that the more you can be in it together, the better it will feel for both of you.
Look at the list together and decide which tasks each of you can accomplish best. Each of you has strengths and weaknesses , so delegate based on strengths, availability and interests. For example, if you are really creative about gift ideas but your partner is the best bargain finder, make a list of items you want to purchase and have them do the actual purchasing. If your partner doesn't get riled talking to family about holiday logistics but you do, have them be the family liaison.
If you want to control everything and want your partner to take the kids out for the day to give you time to get it all done, that works too. Whatever the breakdown of tasks, ensure you are both on the same page about them. Remember, if you choose to take ownership of something on the list, you can't also resent your partner for not doing it—that's not fair.
If you want them out of the kitchen when you cook, let's not complain "Why am I always the one cooking? Once something has been delegated, let it go! Your partner is a different person than you and will inevitably do things differently than you—perhaps on a different timeline than you would want or in a different way than you want. It's easy to harp on the things we don't like about our partner.
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Remember, the more you criticize, the less likely that your partner will want to be in it with you. If your partner feels that nothing can ever be done right by you, they will stop even trying and resentment will only further ensue. If efforts for both of you are acknowledged and praised, you are much more likely to want to do more of it. Besides, wouldn't you rather have a happy relationship than have the perfect color napkins at your holiday table?
How great would it be if everyone around us knew exactly what, when and how we wanted things all of the time? Unfortunately that's not reality. No matter how long someone knows us or how much someone loves us, that doesn't mean they know what is going through our minds and what exactly we want at any given moment! Since we can't expect our support system to mindread, we need to be really clear and specific about what we do want.
It's also important to be clear about how you are feeling. Rather than internalizing and feeling angry or concerned about a situation, communicate it. If we don't actually verbalize it, it will still come out, just in less than ideal ways. If you feel concerned about a family dynamic, talk it through so you don't feel like you are shouldering it alone. Sometimes talking about it can also give us another perspective.